Aaron, i totally could have loved you and shown you amazing things if you wouldnt have a been a pussy!!! damn you. im not being selfish, your kids dont need another mom, they have one that works just fine. all i had to be was the chick their dad dates. your kids are amazing too. im glad we didnt get too attached (we being me and the kids) . i would have done just about anything for you or your kids, and i think you knew that, it most def gets me wondering why the fuck you just dropped me like a bad habit. bah whatever man. oh! and if you arnt going to answer me when i try to get ahold of you, dont try to get ahold of me. i can play that game too baby. fuck your good morning kisses, and your goodnight kisses, and your goodbye kisses. i hope someone took the key to your house last time i left it under your mat leaving in the morning after i fixed your lunch for work and smoked with you before you left and kissed you goodbye then went back to bed in your sweatshirt. i should have stolen that hoodie like i wanted to n the first place. i still have your t shirt. and when i get home im going to burn it, just because i can still smell you on it. :[[[ im gonna go drink somemore and listen to amanda talk n her sleep ha that should cheer me up :]


apparently, tonight is sarahs hate all males night. its cause im drunk usually i either LOOOVE men or really really really hate them when im drunk. ha funny how that works.

so i spent the night at....a friends.... house last night.  i should have known not to though lol. i knew we would have sex,and i was excited about it because i mean really...i wanted just as bad if not worse than him haha. but damn dude, that shit does not make you feel warm ad fuzzy the next day. it does at first like leading up to the sex part when theres all kinds of touching a feeling and all the really nice ego boosting shit he says, and during is QUITE amazing, then right after when hes kissing my arms and shoulders and lays his head on my chest then falling asleep all cuddley and shit. but let me tell you! if you have any sort of emotional attraction to a falla and all he wants to do is bone, DONT DO IT! unless of course you have a heart of steel, which i used to have so i dont know WHAT the FUCK happened with that! anyways im rambeling. what im trying to say is no matter how much i try to make myself THINK im ok with being his booty call, im really not. and thats the sucky part.....cuz the sex is really amazing....damnit.

my new years resloutions:

loooose weight! like hella! i started working out the night after new years. every night! one hour of exercize.

quit smoking?  idk about this one yet...im still juggeling with the idea... haha

im not over abel. it sucks. everytime i see his gf pangs of jealousy oercome me!!! and i want her to go away! sometimes i think about it and  i wish she would just break his heart, just so he would com running back to me, but then i feel bad and selfish so i take it back. i hate this i really do. in my last enrty i was tlaking about how i just need to grit my teeth and bare the pain, but  cant its sooo hard and i hate it!  sometimes i wish hed stop talking to me, or i had the strength to stop talking to him, but then , once again,  i feel horribe for thnking that so i take that back too. im an emotional indian giver...idk what to do with my self....fuck.

soooo i guess i only write in here when i feel really hurt....how emo.... whateve.  anyways i stil love abel but i can feel myself getting over him, but that kinda hurts, because i know when i tell him ive moved on its going to hurt hium so bad. even though it really shouldnt be cause  he has a gf and hes perfectly happy withher and hes in love with her and the woorld is a wonderful place when shes there! *puke* whatever.  i still find myself waiting for him toi get online or for him to call me...he still has me wrapped around his finger and i hate it,  but i ove it at the same time.  i get so happy when i talk to him, the i snal back into reality and remember hes taken :[[[ then i think fuck dude love sucks, but i refuse to let all my fucked up relationshi[ps  ruin love for me, becausae love truly is a beautiful thing . anyways, i miss him terribly. dont get me wrong, i like other guys, well guy. but abel will always be my number one, even if im not his, maybe thats pathetic and typical girl-like, but its true.  sometimes i dont like it, but at the same time  i kinda like loving him but i realllly wish hed feel the same way. im working reallyhard on this whole moioving on thing, and im kinda into this guy named tommy, which is funny cuz hayleys bf s name is tommy, but hea really really really nice and hes way sweet and he always has sweet things and he trys to talk to me every night even if its just to say goodnight and sweet dreams before he goes to bed, but sometimes im not online so hell send me an off line message.  and when ever im talking to tommy, i feel like im finally over abel, but then i talk to abel or see his picture or see something that reminds me of him and then i realize im not over him, but ill never be completely over him and i have to be ok with that, and i have to  grit my teeth and bare it, cuz its  gonna hurt no matter what, i just reallly dont want to hurt abel i really dont, he means more to me than nay other boy ever and if i hurt hiim it would absolutley kill me, honestly i dont like to hurt anyones feelings but hurting abel feling would make me fel like the biggest shit in the whole world! , well ive got that out and i know its safe here lol  well i gotta get ready for work, so later.

Dear you.

im in love with you. there you go its out. and everytime you talk to me i want to jump up and give youthe biggest hug in the whole entire world. i absolutely LOVE being you best friend, but i would much rather be the girl holding your hand, kising you hugging you, being the girl you tell you love her...in more than a best friend kinda way. im so sorry i ruined things in the beginning. but to be honest, you did tell me we needed to back off or someone would end up being hurt...well im hurt now, because i want to be with you :[ i love hearing your voice. however if the best friend role is the one i must fill so be it. i would much rather be your best friend than not have you at all.

love,
me

sooo im in love with abel...o fig. john is  a liar and said he didntt want a relationship but then he went a ot a gf..... loser
lynn talks to abel too....and she flirts alot. i usd to be able to to talk to her about my feelins but know i feel soo betryaed its not evn funny. fuckin friends....

ok so as most of you know...i dumpe grants crazy ass. he was psycho and weid and im glad im done with his dramatin bullshit and guilt trips uuughhh. yeah he trie to get me pregnant and when i told him i wasnt he was sad and sad he wante me to have a baby so we could be together forever. WTF!?!?!?! he wante to marry me right as soon as i turn 18 PSHA!!! yeah right!!! ugh so yeah i dropped him. anyways im crushin on this new guy, john from nt tahoma,  hes a sweet heat. we hang out from time to time and yeah haha the other day we went to him ans his roomates house an i was nervous that he wouldnt reall aknowledge me in front of his friends but he id and that was cool :] lol he put his arms aroun me an junk...later we made out...lol. anyways yeah ill riight more later :]

it only lasted 24 hours. crazy huh? my great grandma died today. im glad grant was here all weekend to keep me sane. we went out on a date on friday. we went to eat and las palomas, then were going to go see silent hill but decided to drive around instead. then we hung out in down town puyallup at night time. it was sweet. then today we went shopping with my mom. then hung out while she went out shopping alone and angel was out and gma and mia were sleeping. hes really sweet, when hes not being cynical :] lol
anyways im glad my great grandma is in a better place now, where ever that is. shes nolinger in pain and thats whats important.

my older sister was always there for me. whn my mother was high or not home for days, my sister was my mom. she fed me, changed me took care of me and did everything a mother hould do, at the ripe ages of 11. 12. and 13. she was my favorite person my whole life until she moved back in with my mom and turned into the very thing she hated most as a pre-teen/teenager. she went right back to the monster she used to fight when she was young.i was so hurt wen she did that. i felt so betrayed. like she had just blatently lied to my face. it hurt so bad to kow her whole adolesent years she hated everything our mother was ,then as soon as she wanted to be a kid again she went back to her.i realize she had to grow up fast and having a baby at 16 probably didnt help that either. However, sh hated our mom. to this day it hurts to think about how she left every one who truley honstly cares about her and went to maggie, who is just glad to have shannon liking her again.i hate that. but i still love shannon. she is so important to me and i wish i could help her. recently she got married to a man who already had kids, along with her own son she was now the mother of 4, i think. One of the mans sons was 7 years old a little while ago. the boy is still 7 but now he'll stay 7 forever. he died not to long ago. the little boy was skate bording and got hit by a car. I feel so bad for my sister. i never met my step-nephew, but if would have been my sisters first son, i would be a wreck right now.im still hurting because he was justoutside playing! and my sister, i can only imagine how much pain she is going through right now.i just want to be there for her lik she was for me. but i cant and that hurts worst of all. i want to tell her i love her and i care about her and that i wish the best for her and im always thinking of her, but i know if i ever do ill have to speak to maggie, and i dont wwant to ever see her. i just want to see shannon and let her know everything will be ok. i fel so horrible for not being able to gve back to her what she gave to me. comfort when i needed it most. a sholder to cry on. someone to tlk to. someone to hug. i just want to be there for her. shes had such a hard life and i dont want her to hurt any more. i lve her so much and it hurts o bad to know shes hurting likr this. this blows. oh and on top of that my great grandma id dieing too. shes "on her las leg" as everyone keeps saying. she 93 now. she cant swallow anything and has 25 hour bed side watch. i think shell be gone byt th end of this comin up week.

this is his latest blog entry.



Saturday, May 13, 2006

Truth or Lie?
Current mood: happy

Ok so I have one good thing in my life now and everything else is slowly slipping away. Right now I don't know if I care. Sarah makes me so happy it's not even funny. I'm not supposed to be happy, I don't deserve this. Everything in my life I've done has come down to the fact I'm supposed to be miserable, but I'm not she brings out everything people told me I was and everything I knew I wasn't. It's like I choose to be a better person for her without even knowing it. It's amazing I've never felt this way about anyone. I know I've said alot of stuff in my life, but I know it this time I was in love before I know I was, but this is different this is more than just love more than just wanting something I need. She makes me the happiest ever. I dont get sad or depressed I dont need to hurt myself or anyone else. I'm just happy. The only sad part of my day is knowing I wont spend it with her in my arms. I love this girl more than anything ever, not just in my life but anyones life. She's perfect even her flaws make her perfect. I'm not totally sure what they are because I dont see them as flaws, but she tells me she has them. She's honest, She's gorgeous, She makes me smile 24 hours a day, and she says she's mine, that makes me happier then anything. She doesn't know if she loves me or anything and im still happy just knowing she likes me. That she wants to be with me whether she ever loves me or not I dont think anything could ever make me happier then I am now. I love her so much I'd do anything for her. I hate right now, because my car died and I haven't seen her in almost a week, but she is everything to me right now and hopefully forever. Love you Sarah. Thank you for everything. Since You've given everything back to me. I loveyou. You are my world.



its really sweet alittle over the top for this moment but really sweet.

so were studying prgnancy in EHD...it kinda makes me miss having my baby. yeah idk like just remembering it and stuff...







p.s. i have a boyfriend now....hes also my prom date..go fig...im not sure what i think about him yet...yes just kinda slipped out of my mouth...

soo its been a while, and i really dontknow what to say, i mean alot has happened like the shooting scare, my reall mom called (that was fun...not) and today is the annversey of the day i lost my baby. alo have things have cramped my emotions lately and today was an ok day i didnt want to go to school today so i went to seattle with my dads friends son and we checked out EMP. i still really like abel but im starting to move on. i have a crush on this guy from mt tahoma. hes a cutie. his name is john. hmm ltes see...money has been tight and i have a lot of things to pay for :/ like 2 books for english, each about 12 bucks, 40$ in photography fees, i need to pay for my cap and gown, and a yearbook, and i still need to buy a prom dress and prom tickets, and pay for dinner(whereever were going) and how ever were getting there, its seattle and whoever is driving wll need gas money, id feel like a douche if i didnt put a couple of bucks toward it. and besides that i owe people ALOT too. pf my parents need to win the lottery damnit. oh well thats my thursday thoughts. peace!
sarah.grace.

ok so i have no cell phone and no laptop except for educational stuff :] kk im done bye ;]

so last night was julies party, i met some col peaole there and i had a ton o fun, thank you for inviing me ms julie. i sawnikki there shes a cutie. i met a girl soomee, and jillian and her boy friend, whim i might add ha the same bday as me AND were the same age! so were all gonna hang out gain they were realy cool people.

umm grete i love you hehehe i wish would have gone to julies :]




i got m septum pierced ;]





lol katie thanks for tryiing to go. it was fun but i misssed you. oh well you made an effort.ilu :]

abel is a liar and an asshole. i will start now by never talking to him ever again.
last night i partyed with a few people kinda, it wasnt really party it was just drinking and having fun.
it was awesome.
this morning while i was sleeping and being hungover my mom called me.
my mom informed me my grandma fell down the stairs and broke hr ankle.
now they are at the hostpital.
buuuuuut!!! because of this my gma needs to be upstairs, sooooo i may be moving down stair...and there is a window close to the ground down stais :] lol mmhmmm andddd more privacy, this excites me.





dear abel,
i take back anything i said to you. you lied and i hate that. i was apprently not wjat you wanted. you should have told me that. thank you very much for getting my hopes up and then dropping them from the tippy tippy top of the impire state building. i love it when that happens.

sincerly.
sarah.