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P fuckin S

 Aaron, i totally could have loved you and shown you amazing things if you wouldnt have a been a pussy!!! damn you. im not being selfish, your kids dont need another mom, they have one that works just fine. all i had to be was the chick their dad dates. your kids are amazing too. im glad we didnt get too attached (we being me and the kids) . i would have done just about anything for you or your kids, and i think you knew that, it most def gets me wondering why the fuck you just dropped me like a bad habit. bah whatever man. oh! and if you arnt going to answer me when i try to get ahold of you, dont try to get ahold of me. i can play that game too baby. fuck your good morning kisses, and your goodnight kisses, and your goodbye kisses. i hope someone took the key to your house last time i left it under your mat leaving in the morning after i fixed your lunch for work and smoked with you before you left and kissed you goodbye then went back to bed in your sweatshirt. i should have stolen that hoodie like i wanted to n the first place. i still have your t shirt. and when i get home im going to burn it, just because i can still smell you on it. :[[[ im gonna go drink somemore and listen to amanda talk n her sleep ha that should cheer me up :]


apparently, tonight is sarahs hate all males night. its cause im drunk usually i either LOOOVE men or really really really hate them when im drunk. ha funny how that works.

june 22nd 2008....what a day

so i spent the night at....a friends.... house last night.  i should have known not to though lol. i knew we would have sex,and i was excited about it because i mean really...i wanted just as bad if not worse than him haha. but damn dude, that shit does not make you feel warm ad fuzzy the next day. it does at first like leading up to the sex part when theres all kinds of touching a feeling and all the really nice ego boosting shit he says, and during is QUITE amazing, then right after when hes kissing my arms and shoulders and lays his head on my chest then falling asleep all cuddley and shit. but let me tell you! if you have any sort of emotional attraction to a falla and all he wants to do is bone, DONT DO IT! unless of course you have a heart of steel, which i used to have so i dont know WHAT the FUCK happened with that! anyways im rambeling. what im trying to say is no matter how much i try to make myself THINK im ok with being his booty call, im really not. and thats the sucky part.....cuz the sex is really amazing....damnit.

damn 70 weeks!

so really idk who reads this anymore but suddenly i was inspired to post.damn alot has happened in the last 70 weeks
. i dont even know where to start. i broke up with daniel after a year. old news. ive been seeing a few guys here and there.one of them was this amazing artist. hes a painter and hes italian. i think i want to marry him. hes moving to cali soon maybe, if he does i think ill go see him maybe. then there is the guy who lays tile for a living, hes just like me. he calls me scarlett and my ringtone on his phone was scarlett begoias. sweet huh? we had beers at his house and went to bed around 12, then we went to sleep around 2. when he woke up for work the next morning he kissed me good morning, then he kissed me good bye before he left his house. i stayed there for a few hours before mary kate came to pick me up. only down side, hes got 2 kids, his daughter is 9 and his son is 8. hes 29. he told me its too weird to have his kids have a step mom only 10 years older than them. whatever, i guess we will see where that takes me. then theres the musician, ive always liked him. he has an mamzing voice and plays guitar like you wouldnt believe. iether hes really that good or hes only that good because i want him sooo badly. i like sleeping with him though. his touch is truly amazing and soo soft and wonderful just like his voice. anyways i need a smoke. ill post soon maybe.

oh yeah i forgot

my new years resloutions:

loooose weight! like hella! i started working out the night after new years. every night! one hour of exercize.

quit smoking?  idk about this one yet...im still juggeling with the idea... haha

i dont even know what to say.

im not over abel. it sucks. everytime i see his gf pangs of jealousy oercome me!!! and i want her to go away! sometimes i think about it and  i wish she would just break his heart, just so he would com running back to me, but then i feel bad and selfish so i take it back. i hate this i really do. in my last enrty i was tlaking about how i just need to grit my teeth and bare the pain, but  cant its sooo hard and i hate it!  sometimes i wish hed stop talking to me, or i had the strength to stop talking to him, but then , once again,  i feel horribe for thnking that so i take that back too. im an emotional indian giver...idk what to do with my self....fuck.

love? suck my dick....

soooo i guess i only write in here when i feel really hurt....how emo.... whateve.  anyways i stil love abel but i can feel myself getting over him, but that kinda hurts, because i know when i tell him ive moved on its going to hurt hium so bad. even though it really shouldnt be cause  he has a gf and hes perfectly happy withher and hes in love with her and the woorld is a wonderful place when shes there! *puke* whatever.  i still find myself waiting for him toi get online or for him to call me...he still has me wrapped around his finger and i hate it,  but i ove it at the same time.  i get so happy when i talk to him, the i snal back into reality and remember hes taken :[[[ then i think fuck dude love sucks, but i refuse to let all my fucked up relationshi[ps  ruin love for me, becausae love truly is a beautiful thing . anyways, i miss him terribly. dont get me wrong, i like other guys, well guy. but abel will always be my number one, even if im not his, maybe thats pathetic and typical girl-like, but its true.  sometimes i dont like it, but at the same time  i kinda like loving him but i realllly wish hed feel the same way. im working reallyhard on this whole moioving on thing, and im kinda into this guy named tommy, which is funny cuz hayleys bf s name is tommy, but hea really really really nice and hes way sweet and he always has sweet things and he trys to talk to me every night even if its just to say goodnight and sweet dreams before he goes to bed, but sometimes im not online so hell send me an off line message.  and when ever im talking to tommy, i feel like im finally over abel, but then i talk to abel or see his picture or see something that reminds me of him and then i realize im not over him, but ill never be completely over him and i have to be ok with that, and i have to  grit my teeth and bare it, cuz its  gonna hurt no matter what, i just reallly dont want to hurt abel i really dont, he means more to me than nay other boy ever and if i hurt hiim it would absolutley kill me, honestly i dont like to hurt anyones feelings but hurting abel feling would make me fel like the biggest shit in the whole world! , well ive got that out and i know its safe here lol  well i gotta get ready for work, so later.

to you...

Dear you.

im in love with you. there you go its out. and everytime you talk to me i want to jump up and give youthe biggest hug in the whole entire world. i absolutely LOVE being you best friend, but i would much rather be the girl holding your hand, kising you hugging you, being the girl you tell you love her...in more than a best friend kinda way. im so sorry i ruined things in the beginning. but to be honest, you did tell me we needed to back off or someone would end up being hurt...well im hurt now, because i want to be with you :[ i love hearing your voice. however if the best friend role is the one i must fill so be it. i would much rather be your best friend than not have you at all.

love,
me

damn

sooo im in love with abel...o fig. john is  a liar and said he didntt want a relationship but then he went a ot a gf..... loser
lynn talks to abel too....and she flirts alot. i usd to be able to to talk to her about my feelins but know i feel soo betryaed its not evn funny. fuckin friends....

oh wow

ok so as most of you know...i dumpe grants crazy ass. he was psycho and weid and im glad im done with his dramatin bullshit and guilt trips uuughhh. yeah he trie to get me pregnant and when i told him i wasnt he was sad and sad he wante me to have a baby so we could be together forever. WTF!?!?!?! he wante to marry me right as soon as i turn 18 PSHA!!! yeah right!!! ugh so yeah i dropped him. anyways im crushin on this new guy, john from nt tahoma,  hes a sweet heat. we hang out from time to time and yeah haha the other day we went to him ans his roomates house an i was nervous that he wouldnt reall aknowledge me in front of his friends but he id and that was cool :] lol he put his arms aroun me an junk...later we made out...lol. anyways yeah ill riight more later :]

24 hour bedside help

it only lasted 24 hours. crazy huh? my great grandma died today. im glad grant was here all weekend to keep me sane. we went out on a date on friday. we went to eat and las palomas, then were going to go see silent hill but decided to drive around instead. then we hung out in down town puyallup at night time. it was sweet. then today we went shopping with my mom. then hung out while she went out shopping alone and angel was out and gma and mia were sleeping. hes really sweet, when hes not being cynical :] lol
anyways im glad my great grandma is in a better place now, where ever that is. shes nolinger in pain and thats whats important.